Hello new neighbours!

Waiting for the elevator while discussing adoption with B.

"It's not like I'm going to go out and steal the first baby that I see. I'm going to wait for a cute one.....oh hi there neighbour from across the hall. I....was just kidding. I swear. Ha. Ha. Ha. *long awkward pause while I repeatedly stab the elevator call button* Boy these elevators are just fucking with me at this point, am I right?"


No. Just no.

"So I found this outfit that I'm thinking about buying you."

"Okayyy....what is the catch?"

"Well, the tag calls it a jungle print."

"I'm going to stop you right there." *click*



I am investing in a small voice recorder.

Some of the conversations we have are so insane that to simply type them out does not do them justice. And I have to do it on the sly or else B will affect his "I'm so clever" voice and then I'll be forced to roll my eyes and that shit doesn't get picked up on a voice recorder.

You also haven't lived until you've heard B sigh. It's like this amazing combination of "I can't believe you fucking exist" and "Just let an asteroid hit me right now" with a dash of "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round...".



*glass accidentally clinks with ice cubes in it when I hold it out for him to refill*

"Did you just clink your ice in your glass at me? Like you're some sort of blue beard?"

"Wait. What?"

"Blue blood."

"You said blue beard."

"You must have been mistaken."

"No. I clearly recall you disparaging my chin hairs. And I'll have you know they are as brown as the hair on my legs."

"*chokes on his own drink*"

The hunt for a new vehicle.

"So....I know I'm supposed to be looking for vehicles with more space but, and hear me out here, what about a Mini?"

"A Mini Cooper."


"A vehicle that will reduce our space to the point where we will have to get a trailer to cart your telescope out to sites?"

"It's a MINI, damnit."

"Are you hungry?"

"What the hell? I suppose so. What does that have to do with looking at cars?"

"You know how when we're hungry and we're driving somewhere and see billboards or signs and every new sign changes what you want for dinner?"


"It is exactly like that. But with cars."

"It is NOTHING like that, because I don't eat cars. You're just hoping I wander off and do something else and forget about looking at Smart car......oh."

"*smug silence*"

"I don't know if I should be insulted that you are insinuating that I'm flighty, or chagrined because you are likely right."

"Sorry, what was that?"



The sea, she calls.

"I've found us a new place to live. We're never coming back."

"What will we do for a living?"

"We will live off the sea - we shall become pirates. I've already got the cussin' down, you'll need to lose a limb in a tragic jib accident, and I can poke one of your eyes out when you get home."

"Please seek some help. Not a lot, just some."

"Is that a no to the eye-poking? I sort of need to know if I should abandon the chair leg I've begun whittling into an eye-harpoon."

"I'm not coming home from work tonight."

"Whatever. It'll give me some time to practice my jabbin'"