Lessons in technology.

"I just had a Chocolate Thunder Brownie from Queen of Tarts. I think I'm about to leave you for a pan of brownies."

"I'm not adverse to an open marriage."

"*stunned silence* *slight coughing* *voice that is not B* So, I'll just get that project breakdown from you later then? *sound of door closing*"

"...............speakerphoned."

"There is absolutely nothing I can say at this point to him to make him understand that what he heard wasn't what he thinks he heard."

"That sound you hear is the sound of hundreds of office assistants learning that you are a sexual deviant."

"Thank you."

"Seriously though, you better be bringing home some of those fucking brownies."

"*click*"

I demand another cake.

Apparently birthday wishes don't extend to hygiene and so I still have to shower today.

There is fuckery afoot.

Recording.

I am investing in a small voice recorder.

Some of the conversations we have are so insane that to simply type them out does not do them justice. And I have to do it on the sly or else B will affect his "I'm so clever" voice and then I'll be forced to roll my eyes and that shit doesn't get picked up on a voice recorder.

You also haven't lived until you've heard B sigh. It's like this amazing combination of "I can't believe you fucking exist" and "Just let an asteroid hit me right now" with a dash of "The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round...".

Bluebeard.

*glass accidentally clinks with ice cubes in it when I hold it out for him to refill*

"Did you just clink your ice in your glass at me? Like you're some sort of blue beard?"

"Wait. What?"

"Blue blood."

"You said blue beard."

"You must have been mistaken."

"No. I clearly recall you disparaging my chin hairs. And I'll have you know they are as brown as the hair on my legs."

"*chokes on his own drink*"

Being Useful. Ish.

Things I have managed to do so far while B is out of the country:

Keep the tv turned to "Whatever the hell I want to watch".
Maintain the position of the bed sheets as they were intended....on the bed.
Save the neighbours from hearing "I DIDN'T CALL FOR THAT PASS" every three minutes between the hours of 4 pm and 5 pm (designated hockey time on the xbox)
Avoid vacuuming the end of the couch where the cats sleep.
Not run the bath after The Daily Show has aired.
Eat spicy foods non-stop.
Put up the art collection on the wall without hearing "Does it have to go THERE??"
Put all the photography manuals and books away.
Recharge all the remotes.

Things I have not managed to do so far while B is out of the country:

Figure out a way to train the cats to hack up their hairballs on B's pillow.
Figure out a way to train the cats to hack up their hairballs in B's shoes.
Drive myself to the doctors office to have my elbow x-rayed.
Convince my neighbours to not play their shitty eurotrash dance music at 8 am every single day.
Set up the Wii so it functions with all the other electronics.
Figure out B's system for determining whether a t-shirt is clean or not.
Wear pants.