Destination Nom-Nom.

"I am hungry. Let's do breakfast. Wait. Breakfast was hours ago. I think it's brunch at this point. Shit, it's 2 pm. We're beyond lunch. Hot damn! We're finally aboard the dunch train like other fine sophisticated people! If you want nom-noms, you will get aboard this train as I am the conductor. Also, because I know for a fact you are allergic to the pots and pans. Have your tickets and passes ready, we are now leaving the station. Destination nom-noms. The alternative is slinner, and that is just fucking stupid."

Is the conversation I thought I had today with my husband. This is in official dispute.

"You rolled out of bed with drool down one side of your face, coughed out a lung, stared at the clock beside the bed for a few moments, mumbled something, and then you raised your arms above your head and yelled 'TEAM DUNCH' before going back to bed."

So over-the-counter medication has gotten a lot better recently or he's a dirty filthy liar. It could go either way.

Especially since I didn't get my damn dunch.

I demand another cake.

Apparently birthday wishes don't extend to hygiene and so I still have to shower today.

There is fuckery afoot.

Fine.

Getting this in my email this morning from B?



Whatever.

Not allowed.

I'm not allowed to show B anything on the internets anymore.

One day.

"So you know what pisses me off?"

"Everything that I don't do...coupled with everything that I do do?"

"You totally just said do-do."

"*rolls eyes*"

"*doubles over laughing and then walks away*"

"*shouts from other room* ONE DAY WE WILL FINISH THIS CONVERSATION AND THERE WILL BE A RECKONING."

Yes We Can.

B and I spent the day yesterday at this awesome antique mall we drop by every few months. I wound up leaving behind the greatest. find. ever. We debated it loudly and passionately, much to the chagrin of many other patrons who just wanted to browse old comics in peace. They were just jealous.




Number of times you will see can in a day.
Divided by number of times you will giggle out loud.
Multiplied by number of times you will say "Why yes, yes I do" to yourself.
To the power of number of times you will annoy your husband by pointing to it and snickering.
If the answer is greater than the cost of the tin, "put it back on the fucking shelf, Angel".

Montreal Screw Job.

Watching tv. B changes the channel to wrestling. I sigh loudly.

"No. This is Brett Hart. BlahblahblahMontrealScrewJob."

"*even louder sigh*"

"NO! I AM NOT TURNING THE CHANNEL. This is where I draw the line. This is legend."

"*loudest sigh yet*"

"If I miss something huge, we're through." (he changes the channel)

"Our entire relationship, spanning a full decade now, has been in anticipation of this exact moment, when I can force you to change the channel on grown men with mullets wearing spandex for funsies. *stands up and bows elaborately* I bid you adieu."

Cue the throw pillow to my face.

Well now we know.

"Do you mind driving me to that little wine place that we went to that one time?"

"I have no idea what place you are talking about. What wine place?"

"That place with the cheap decor but the really good interior BC selection. It's like…nearby to the bakery."

"What the hell? What bakery?"

"That place with the easter bread we got one year."

"So we're looking for a polish bakery, but not actually the polish bakery but a wine place NEAR that bakery."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, I'll just type that into google maps and see what happens."

"You don't have to be rude. I just need a ride. I think I can give you directions while we're in the car."

"Why can't you drive yourself then?"

"I've been drinking."

"…Of course you have."

"Not enough to impair my inhibitions, but enough to scare pedestrians."

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said that I don't know where to begin."

"If I keep drinking, I won't gain weight. I read that on the internet today."

"This is why you don't have an iPhone, you know."

Car Beer.

"You hanging out the window yelling CHUG CHUG CHUG while I am refilling the windshield washer fluid at a busy gas station is not something I ever want to experience again."